No, no I didn’t see this coming. But I sit with your judgment-
that I should have had more foresight. I
was stuck in the present - running from the shadows of our past, pulling my
children into the sun.
Perhaps that premonition was lost in the transitions of
disassembling what was once family, running a business, setting up a new home, healing wounds of a failed 'happily ever after' and holding 'it' all together.
The daily care provided for five years as a co-parent seemed
to indicate a commitment to being a dad that was real. Solid – even if I was the sole
fiscal support for our wayward band of mermaids and gypsies.
So, no, no, I didn’t make plans for the eventuality of my
ex-husband and co-parent disappearing without notice. The calls to the morgue and jails, the sobs of
children missing their dad, and the days when it feels impossible to do this
version of us were unplanned for. Its like walking in a blizzard at night- hoping that the internal compass is still intact and I am steering us into the right future.
So no, I didn’t plan for this; your
suggestion that I should have seen this coming - another litany to add to my insomniac’s rope of prayer
beads and self-recriminations.
I imagine the statements of “its not that bad” “kids are
resilient” “there are lot of single working moms” are offerings of
comfort? But they make me feel
unseen. Unheard.
We retreat to find the new normal- to look for beams of light that will carry us aloft out of darkness. Combining best laid plans with wings and prayers.
I am often guilty of jumping to the solution, trying to make a terrible situation better and ignoring the moment when my friend it's saying, "I feel hurt, right now." It's hard to stay with a friend in a pain-filled moment, but usually that's all that's needed. It is also, in fact, the only true thing we have to offer.
ReplyDeleteSissy - I hear you on this. I too am a solution person- I recently read a wonderful article about caregivers of elderly parents- and one of the things its had in there was the idea that we sit with the challenges of caregivers and not make suggestions unless asked to. I found that small suggestion profoundly moving... the idea that we just be.
ReplyDelete