No, no I didn’t see this coming. But I sit with your judgment- that I should have had more foresight. I was stuck in the present - running from the shadows of our past, pulling my children into the sun.
Perhaps that premonition was lost in the transitions of disassembling what was once family, running a business, setting up a new home, healing wounds of a failed 'happily ever after' and holding 'it' all together.
The daily care provided for five years as a co-parent seemed to indicate a commitment to being a dad that was real. Solid – even if I was the sole fiscal support for our wayward band of mermaids and gypsies.
So, no, no, I didn’t make plans for the eventuality of my ex-husband and co-parent disappearing without notice. The calls to the morgue and jails, the sobs of children missing their dad, and the days when it feels impossible to do this version of us were unplanned for. Its like walking in a blizzard at night- hoping that the internal compass is still intact and I am steering us into the right future.
So no, I didn’t plan for this; your suggestion that I should have seen this coming - another litany to add to my insomniac’s rope of prayer beads and self-recriminations.
I imagine the statements of “its not that bad” “kids are resilient” “there are lot of single working moms” are offerings of comfort? But they make me feel unseen. Unheard.
We retreat to find the new normal- to look for beams of light that will carry us aloft out of darkness. Combining best laid plans with wings and prayers.